For the past two weeks I have actually been watching competitive, televised hockey. I feel dirty and ultimately used. I blame it all on the Winter Olympics. Now I'll just go back to ignoring professional hockey for the next 3 years and 50 weeks. Ryan Miller? Never heard of him before February, 2010. He is fantastically talented and I was thrilled to watch his masterful goaltending throughout these games. I doubt I'll hear his name again until 2014--and I watch Sportscenter. All this is to say that I don't really give two poops about the NHL. Yet somehow hockey is probably one of my top 3 favorite olympic events to watch.

Is this just misplaced patriotism? I don't know about that. I mean, I love America, fuck yeah. But what does that have to do with hockey? That sport is for Canadians, and lesbians, but Americans? Too little commercial breaks for us. Not enough black people either. I like to watch black athletes because they are generally more 'talented' and exciting to watch than their white counterparts.

Canadians feel the same way about Hockey that Tiger Woods feels about scantily clad blonde callgirls--that is to say they enjoy it very much. Perhaps the only reason I rooted so hard for the US in these games is because I just want to spite that red-headed step child of a nation to the north. After they beat us they were acting like they had just won their independence from England or something. And Canada, did you SEE your own closing ceremony? You signed off to the world with Nickelback and Avril Lavigne. In 2001 it would have sucked to watch. In 2010 it was out of touch AND sucked.

While you're busy pleasuring yourself to naked pictures of Sidney Crosby for the next four years, just remember that you still have to answer for Bryan Adams and Celine Dion. That's not going to be easy. Just like it wasn't easy throwing away a few hours of my life last week only to watch us heartbreakingly dismantled in the championship OT. But to 'Blame Canada' is just too easy of a target. They already have enough problems of their own like subarctic weather, and socialized medicine.

No, I choose to blame the olympics for making me care about sports which are only entertaining when people beat the crap out of each other. And not just curling, but Hockey too.